Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
