I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
