Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
tell me about the fingering
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