If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
