How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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