Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
