You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
