I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Apparently you make a good broom.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
