there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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