Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
