that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
