I wish I could teleport
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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