We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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