Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
