Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Your cock deserves a montage
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
