The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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