saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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