last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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