oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
