mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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