Umm I'm too high to move.
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
