Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
