Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
