I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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