I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Your cock deserves a montage
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It's not a walk of shame if you run
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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