He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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