why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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