You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
