u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
