White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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