Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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