I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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