I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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