I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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