I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
