A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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