Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
