Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
