just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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