you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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