I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My cat gives me a boner
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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