I got chris browned last night
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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