so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
