its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
