i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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