Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
