No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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