i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
