No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
