i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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