Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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