Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
