ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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