don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
