im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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