Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
